This is my daughter, Payton. She is now TEN. One day she was nine and the next ten. It was like going into a time warp. I may be crazy but everything seemed to change in one day. She grew physically, emotionally and spiritually in ways I don't think I was ready for. One thing about her that has always been apparent is not necessarily what she knows but what she understands. God knew it would take a fantabulous big sister to love a sibling with special needs and I believe she has exceeded all expectations. Ward and I have said on many occasions that she has the wings that makes our family fly. Deeply compassionate and wise beyond her years, a sensitive soul that calms me down and draws me to think about what I am saying, how I am saying it and where I am saying it. Proverbs 20:5 " The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out." I have meditated on this scripture many times over the past fifteen years ( well, March 12th will be fifteen years since I studied the bible and became a follower of Christ) especially since most of those years has been spent serving women by muddling through our deep waters together. It's different though when it's your own daughter. My biggest challenge with Payton is accepting her, nurturing her strengths without controlling her. I have been writing journals for her for years. I write about alot of different things. I tape pictures that she and Ben have drawn me, cards from friends who wrote something that I would want her to know about me, favorite quotes but mostly prayers, all kinds of prayers. For me, that's the most vulnerable place for me to be and where she will see into my heart the most. I am not sure when I will give them to her. I was thinking after I am gone, I just always want her to hear me cheering loudly for her. And I want her to know me, really know me like the way I long to know my mom. In one of my entries I wrote, " She is so beautiful. Her skin, her eyes, her smile, her neck and hands. I love the way she smells. She doesn't know it but I light up whenever I see her. I feel warm and healed around her. She is me without the baggage. She has not experienced the same things as I did at her age. I am grateful she lives a life different than I did. She is special~ some people you can just "see" that they are chosen for something special~ this from the very moment she came into this world. I pray that I can fulfill my role to train her, love her, nurture her, I am overwhelmed that I too am chosen for something special, her mother. What I love most about her is her heart and spirit within. She makes me want to be more, to be better, kinder,happier. I fear she sees me stressed, sad, angry, hard hearted. Please let my legacy to her be different. Be careful little one, we three made you from scratch. You shall never know how deep my love runs for you, I pray God will whisper it in your ear when I am not near." August 25th, 2009 
This is the pic that is taped to that entry. I have started to read Vicki Courtney's 5 Conversations you must have with your daughter along with the bible study guide. Payton has seen the books in my bedroom and has asked several times, " are we going to have a conversation soon?" Oh yes, little one, we are constantly having conversations. I love you all. Thanks for reading.Check out Vicki's website in my Places I like to visit, I highly recommend her books and blog.
